December 31, 2011

  • The end is the beginning of the end

    Well dear reader, that's it for 2011.

    And what a year it has been. Global economies have been merrily crashing around everyones ears, nature has taken a few swipes at the human infestation of the planet through flood, fire and the odd volcano and earthquake and Molly Meldrum seems to have survived falling off a ladder putting up Christmas decorations.

    I've always said Christmas was a dangerous time of the year.

    Once again, I have managed to keep a generally low profile and achieved my preferred level of averageness. I've found some new friends, lost/misplaced some old friends and became reacquainted with some friends I haven't caught up with in a while. Of all of the friends I have have been involved with, building bridges and getting back together with old friends has been the best part of my 2011 friendship status.

    Of course, the end of a year is the time when people reflect on what they have/have not achieved in the past 12 months of their lives. Some will obsess over it, others will just say "meh" and move on. I live in the latter camp.

    For me, 2011 was nothing extraordinary. I didn't make any life changing decisions or live beyond anyones expectations, although I highly doubt anyone in my life expects too much excitement or spontaneity out of me. Since it has been predicted that the world will cease to exist at the end of 2012, I figure I should look ahead and attempt to predict what the next 12 months has in store for me. Let's see if any of my predictions for 2012 come true:

    January:

    The ghost of my grandmother will come to me on what would have been her 112th birthday to remind me of what a poor excuse for a human being I am and how my idiot older brother is a much better person than I could ever be. She will also produce the pair of underpants with skidmarks that were used as an excuse for not taking me and my idiot older brother to the beach one summer to emphasize her point.

    February:

    I will turn 46 and declare that I am now middle aged as it is my intention to die at 92. This is an age that I have deemed to be acceptable as I also predict all of my mental and physical attributes will be intact and Euthanasia will finally be legalised.

    March:

    My idiot older brother will finally realise that the universe does not revolve around him and he will stop blaming everyone else for the way his life turned out. I will welcome him back into the family unit with open arms and find many new and interesting ways to humiliate him on a daily basis.

    April:

    The tradition of "April Fools Day" will come to an end when a seemingly harmless prank directed at the President of the USA by the Prime Minister of Australia results in the carpet bombing of Tasmania. At the same time, Easter will be given a definitive date.

    May:

    The Australian Dollar becomes the standard by which all other world currencies are measured against after China repossesses the United States due to their inability to repay their loans and Europe finally gives the game away financially and returns to the dark ages. Let them eat cake will become the new call to arms.

    June:

    The fan base of Star Trek will become so large that it will be able to declare itself a religion, claim tax exemption and influence world governments to move towards the ideals espoused by Gene Roddenberry when he created the show.

    July:

    The Australian Tax Office (ATO) will introduce a new tax return. It will have two questions - "how much did you earn" and "what is 50% of that amount". Overnight, the Australian Government will become rich beyond the wildest dreams of the rest of the world.

    August:

    A 77 year old Elvis Presley will emerge from hiding to reclaim his title of the King Of Rock & Roll. Graceland will be closed to the public and Elvis will once again take up residence. His first demand will be a deep fried peanut butter sandwich packed with Quaalude's.

    September:

    The aliens who originally built the pyramids in Egypt will return to see the results of their labours. Disappointed with what they find, they remove the pyramids and reanimate Tutankhamen who goes on what ends up being an unstoppable rampage and destroys the entire country.

    October:

    North Korean President, Kim Jong-Un, realises he has got the most ridiculous hair cut in the world and that's why no-one takes him seriously. He lets his hair grow out and re-unites North and south Korea and becomes a major player on the world stage not too far behind Australia.

    November:

    Dolphins, whales and sharks suddenly disappear from the worlds oceans. Japan goes into depression as a result. Only one man knows the reason for this mass desertion of the planet of this sea life but he refuses to tell.

    December:

    The world ends on the 21st. Have you not seen the movie? The special effects alone were worth admission price!!!

    That's how I see it dear reader. If any of my predictions come true, I will be amazed at myself and totally bemused by the way the universe works. If none of them come true, then I'll be happy knowing that I am full of shit.

    Dear reader, all that is left to say is that I wish you and whatever you have in your life that passes for a family or life partner nothing but the best for 2012. May your dreams come true and my your love for your fellow man grow stronger.

    Later days.

    Trivial fact number 217: Princess Ann was the only competitor at the 1976 Montreal Olympics that did not have to undergo a sex test.